Welcome YA Musa author Cornell Deville! He has a book trailer on YouTube. Pretty cool and something I need to learn more about. He and I use similar techniques for naming characters.
Ten Questions for Authors:
1) A short paragraph on what you write about and the genre, please? (don't forget your web page address!) I write middle grade and young adult fiction. I primarily focus on urban fantasy, a little paranormal, and a bit of thriller for the younger readers. My website is www.cornelldeville.com. I also have a mini website devoted to my new release, Lost in the Bayou. You can also find a book trailer on YouTube if you google the title.
2) What is a typical writing session like, in 300 characters or fewer?
I typical writing session for me usually begins by reading the last paragraph I wrote during the previous session and doing some editing on it. I'm one of those writers who edits as they go. It saves me tons of time at the end when I actually start on the real "editing" portion. I sometimes connect with Pandora and find some music that inspires me, depending on what I'm writing at the time.
3) Men: boxers or briefs? Women: underwire or banded? (apparently people want to know this!)
It depends on my mood that day.
4) If you use a pen name, why? If you don't, do you worry about stalkers?
I do use a pen name. I wanted something unique, and I learned there are several famous people with my name running around out there.
5) What is the oddest thing about your writing or the way you write?
It may not be exceptionally odd, but I usually picture the screenplay in my mind as I'm writing. I even select the actors to play the various roles and keep them in mind as I write the action and the dialogue.
6) Give us a glimpse into how you choose the names of your chracters, please?
Naming characters is a hard activity. I visit the baby name sites, but I usually just wait until something pops into my head that sounds right. My innocent heroines typically have what I would consider a "soft" name constructed with soft sounds like "ch" "sh". Villains can take a harder consonant like a "K" or a hard "C" or "Qu". It just has to sound right for the character before I use it.
7) Any thoughts on staying healthy while pursuing such a sedentary career?
I quit smoking a year and a half ago. That was a huge help. Other than that, just take a break every couple of hours and get some exercise and fresh air. And put the dark chocolate in the other room so you have to burn a few calories to get to it.
8) Dogs or cats, and why? (don't say "neither" because even if you don't have one, choosing is informative!) Both, actually. We have a bichon-poodle (poobie) named Hannah and a white Himalayan Persian cat named Billy (Sir William if you please.)
9) If you research, what's your method? If you don't, how do you get away with that?
Googling is my weapon of choice for research. Then making certain to verify everything before incorporating it. Wikipedia is also a good source.
10) What is the most interesting or outrageous comment you've heard/read about your writing?
One reviewer recently floored me when she said my writing in Lost in the Bayou reminded her of Stephen King and he'd better watch out. It made my day.
Tales about writing, storytelling, and living on an orchard/farm after decades of city living. Probably some tales about two tiny chihuahuas. And whatever other tales, whether tall or true, that come to mind. There may be input from fellow authors, too!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Welcome, Musa Publishing author, Cordelia Dinsmore!
An author of YA and children's books joins us today as a guest blogger today. Cordelia Dinsmore has some really fun responses to our ten questions!
) A short paragraph on what you write about and the genre, please? (don't forget your web page address!) I write for kids, from picture books to young adult. I love writing rhyming picture books, especially for the kids in my life, but I enjoy writing middle grade and young adult for my own enjoyment. I’ve been a foster mom to many young people, and I use my writing to come to terms with the experiences I’ve had in that area of my life. My website is http://cordeliadinsmore.blogspot.com.
2) What is a typical writing session like, in 300 characters or fewer? I use the BIC method – sit with my butt in the chair and make my fingers move. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go outside and relocate my house.
3) Men: boxers or briefs? Women: underwire or banded? (apparently people want to know this!) I’m a free spirit. Need I say more?
4) If you use a pen name, why? If you don't, do you worry about stalkers? I do, but only because I thought it would be a fun thing to do. Mine is a combination of one of my favorite childhood favorites – Elsie Dinsmore – who was old before my birth, and Cordelia, because I just love the sound of that name.
5) What is the oddest thing about your writing or the way you write? It may not be odd, but my characters actually talk to me. A brand new character may first approach me while I’m soaking in the tub, and she (I don’t allow males in the bathroom while I’m bathing) will just start telling me her story like we’ve been best friends forever. It freaks me out at times, but it also makes my characters completely real to me. Except for the purple elephant. She’s still a bit iffy.
6) Give us a glimpse into how you choose the names of your characters, please? It depends. Some of my character names could be interchanged with any other name, but certain ones have to be exactly who they are. Sometimes I will know a character’s name, and what her/his role is going to be. Then I’ll look up the meaning of the name on a search engine, and it completely fits with that particular character. Weird? Maybe. But that’s how it’s happened so far.
7) Any thoughts on staying healthy while pursuing such a sedentary career? Eat one piece of chocolate every hour.
8) Dogs or cats, and why? (don't say "neither" because even if you don't have one, choosing is informative!) Both. My menagerie of one dog and two cats keep me company while I write. If I don’t know where they are, I can’t concentrate.
9) If you research, what's your method? If you don't, how do you get away with that? I haven’t done a lot of researching yet, but I use Google periodically. For a YA novel that is temporarily on hold, I made numerous telephone calls to Tennessee Technical College and the county extension office in Cookeville, Tennessee. They were amazingly helpful, and I still owe one of the ladies there a signed copy (when it eventually is publishable).
10) What is the most interesting or outrageous comment you've heard/read about your writing?
HA! It was in regards to a rather unique bovine star of a Chapter Book I wrote. I had a dairy farmer friend read it, and he said I absolutely nailed the cow personality. I don’t know if that was a compliment or not. This has certainly been a lot of fun. Thanks for having me!
) A short paragraph on what you write about and the genre, please? (don't forget your web page address!) I write for kids, from picture books to young adult. I love writing rhyming picture books, especially for the kids in my life, but I enjoy writing middle grade and young adult for my own enjoyment. I’ve been a foster mom to many young people, and I use my writing to come to terms with the experiences I’ve had in that area of my life. My website is http://cordeliadinsmore.blogspot.com.
2) What is a typical writing session like, in 300 characters or fewer? I use the BIC method – sit with my butt in the chair and make my fingers move. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go outside and relocate my house.
3) Men: boxers or briefs? Women: underwire or banded? (apparently people want to know this!) I’m a free spirit. Need I say more?
4) If you use a pen name, why? If you don't, do you worry about stalkers? I do, but only because I thought it would be a fun thing to do. Mine is a combination of one of my favorite childhood favorites – Elsie Dinsmore – who was old before my birth, and Cordelia, because I just love the sound of that name.
5) What is the oddest thing about your writing or the way you write? It may not be odd, but my characters actually talk to me. A brand new character may first approach me while I’m soaking in the tub, and she (I don’t allow males in the bathroom while I’m bathing) will just start telling me her story like we’ve been best friends forever. It freaks me out at times, but it also makes my characters completely real to me. Except for the purple elephant. She’s still a bit iffy.
6) Give us a glimpse into how you choose the names of your characters, please? It depends. Some of my character names could be interchanged with any other name, but certain ones have to be exactly who they are. Sometimes I will know a character’s name, and what her/his role is going to be. Then I’ll look up the meaning of the name on a search engine, and it completely fits with that particular character. Weird? Maybe. But that’s how it’s happened so far.
7) Any thoughts on staying healthy while pursuing such a sedentary career? Eat one piece of chocolate every hour.
8) Dogs or cats, and why? (don't say "neither" because even if you don't have one, choosing is informative!) Both. My menagerie of one dog and two cats keep me company while I write. If I don’t know where they are, I can’t concentrate.
9) If you research, what's your method? If you don't, how do you get away with that? I haven’t done a lot of researching yet, but I use Google periodically. For a YA novel that is temporarily on hold, I made numerous telephone calls to Tennessee Technical College and the county extension office in Cookeville, Tennessee. They were amazingly helpful, and I still owe one of the ladies there a signed copy (when it eventually is publishable).
10) What is the most interesting or outrageous comment you've heard/read about your writing?
HA! It was in regards to a rather unique bovine star of a Chapter Book I wrote. I had a dairy farmer friend read it, and he said I absolutely nailed the cow personality. I don’t know if that was a compliment or not. This has certainly been a lot of fun. Thanks for having me!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Guest blogger, Dominique Eastwick
I recently asked the authors at Musa Publishing to be guest bloggers by answering ten questions. Some of the questions were for fun, but all got interesting results. Here is my first guest, Dominique Eastwick. With more to come, this may be another way to find yourself some new beloved authors!
1) A short paragraph on what you write about and the genre, please? I write erotic romance Heavy on the Romance. I write both Contemporary and Paranormal romance, with strong heroine to help control those stronger alpha males.
2) What is a typical writing session like, in 300 characters or fewer? I don't think I have a typical writing session I write when I can and edit when I take my son to Tae Kwon Do. But when I do write I tend to write to instrumental music and have to turn everything off including the Internet.
3) Men: boxers or briefs? Women: under-wire or banded? (apparently people want to know this!) Boxer briefs :) Hows that for decision, and for myself Banded unless I am going out then its under-wire.
4) If you use a pen name, why? If you don't, do you worry about stalkers? Yes I use a pen name I don't feel I need the PTA giving me a hard time. And they would. Silly women with nothing better to do.
5) What is the oddest thing about your writing or the way you write? Odd? Hmmm lets see the oddest thing is that my Muse and I do not seem to be on the same schedule.
6) Give us a glimpse into how you choose the names of your characters, please? For my men I always pick a characteristic then find what the meaning is. But for the Sherman Series all the mates for the siblings there names had to fit into the title. Hunter for Hunting JC, Haven for Tony's Haven, Killoran for Killing Lucas ect...
7) Any thoughts on staying healthy while pursuing such a sedentary career? I do a lot of chair dancing LOL
8) Dogs or cats, and why? Both... sorry, I love that my dog is always at my feet when I write and makes me get up from the computer every now and then to play with her, and I love that my cat curls up behind my monitor to watch me work :)
9) If you research, what's your method? If you don't, how do you get away with that? I love research, I research mainly on line these days but every now and then I have to get out there and do it. I went to Boston and ate at restaurant I plan to use in my book, walked the routes I have my characters walk and remember what the city is like. I try not to write about places I haven't been to first hand.
10) What is the most interesting or outrageous comment you've heard/read about your writing? Honestly it was the comment about a short story they complained that it was too short that I hadn't gone into depth about the couple and their back ground. And that they wanted more. Compliment about the more part, but it was supposed to be a short story no more then 8000 words. But the best was that she complained that the book was a hook up book. I am not really sure what she expected from a series names 1 Night Stand.
My Links
Website http://www.dominiqueeastwick.com/
Blog Spot http://dominiqueeastwick.blogspot.com
Facebook http://facebook.com/dominique.eastwick
1) A short paragraph on what you write about and the genre, please? I write erotic romance Heavy on the Romance. I write both Contemporary and Paranormal romance, with strong heroine to help control those stronger alpha males.
2) What is a typical writing session like, in 300 characters or fewer? I don't think I have a typical writing session I write when I can and edit when I take my son to Tae Kwon Do. But when I do write I tend to write to instrumental music and have to turn everything off including the Internet.
3) Men: boxers or briefs? Women: under-wire or banded? (apparently people want to know this!) Boxer briefs :) Hows that for decision, and for myself Banded unless I am going out then its under-wire.
4) If you use a pen name, why? If you don't, do you worry about stalkers? Yes I use a pen name I don't feel I need the PTA giving me a hard time. And they would. Silly women with nothing better to do.
5) What is the oddest thing about your writing or the way you write? Odd? Hmmm lets see the oddest thing is that my Muse and I do not seem to be on the same schedule.
6) Give us a glimpse into how you choose the names of your characters, please? For my men I always pick a characteristic then find what the meaning is. But for the Sherman Series all the mates for the siblings there names had to fit into the title. Hunter for Hunting JC, Haven for Tony's Haven, Killoran for Killing Lucas ect...
7) Any thoughts on staying healthy while pursuing such a sedentary career? I do a lot of chair dancing LOL
8) Dogs or cats, and why? Both... sorry, I love that my dog is always at my feet when I write and makes me get up from the computer every now and then to play with her, and I love that my cat curls up behind my monitor to watch me work :)
9) If you research, what's your method? If you don't, how do you get away with that? I love research, I research mainly on line these days but every now and then I have to get out there and do it. I went to Boston and ate at restaurant I plan to use in my book, walked the routes I have my characters walk and remember what the city is like. I try not to write about places I haven't been to first hand.
10) What is the most interesting or outrageous comment you've heard/read about your writing? Honestly it was the comment about a short story they complained that it was too short that I hadn't gone into depth about the couple and their back ground. And that they wanted more. Compliment about the more part, but it was supposed to be a short story no more then 8000 words. But the best was that she complained that the book was a hook up book. I am not really sure what she expected from a series names 1 Night Stand.
My Links
Website http://www.dominiqueeastwick.com/
Blog Spot http://dominiqueeastwick.blogspot.com
Facebook http://facebook.com/dominique.eastwick
Sunday, November 27, 2011
More farm life drama
My husband has been having a hard time with all the log home renovations I've got going on:
So here I sit while some burly men are downstairs with a sledgehammer, attacking our guest room with a vengeance. Why? In August the little woman and I decided we needed to be able to sit listlessly in the “cooler” months and view our vast land. With images of hot beverages in our hands while relaxing in old-people style recliners we ordered two special windows for our homestead. One would be off the kitchen area in the den. The other in the guest room on the lower level (more on that later).
The den was/is planned to be our escape room. In there, we will have matching lazy-boy recliners, no TV, no phone, just a reading light and two recliners (did I mention that already?). We, the Mrs. and I, had a dream of sitting in these recliners (from now on I shall call these seats weight-bearing cushions of happiness WBCofH), our guard dogs on the carpet by our sides (the Mrs. interjects here "ha ha ha ha, guard dogs! They weigh ten pounds put together!"). I would say they would be at our feet, but in these WBCofHs, our feet will not touch the floor. With my eternal spouse by my side, but not like right next to me, I mean this is MY WBCofH – she has her own – right? We will sit with our hot beverages, all the while gazing over the land that has soaked up so much of blood and almost all of our will to live during the summer and fall. In front of our view will be the guest house (actually a currently un-used goat shed) and the orchard. The orchard, well – one live, fruit-bearing tree; six dying, non-bearing fruit trees; three wild pear trees (we've been told, because there are not pears to be seen); and a census-confirmed three dozen woodchucks -- all sitting within our view. Only one problem. While completely ensconced in our own respective WBCofHs, we would have been staring at the lower trim of the existing window. Needed to think of a solution.
So on a warm august Sunday I was working on the fence out back. While regaining consciousness and waiting for the feeling to return to the lower portion of my body, I had some time to think. And think I did, on the inside. On the outside I was crying like newborn baby. But still, that pesky thinking persisted. How to solve the dreaded “we can’t see anything because the stupid window is small and high." (Editor’s note: At our place, anything that does not agree or support our dream of a perfect home is classified as stupid. To date, our homestead has the IQ of a microwaved avocado.) Then, as I finally became able to wiggle my toes, it hit me – the internet! It can solve anything.
So, a little research and we find the perfect solution -- a bay window -- one as large as the huge viewports from futuristic starships. A monster window. We were ecstatic. We looked at the check book. We were depressed. So maybe gigantic was not in the cards. We toned down the concept. But the dream persisted.
Around the same time we realized that we had originally purchased (ok, borrowed from Wells Fargo for the foreseeable future) a four bedroom house. After making some changes, knocking out a wall here and there to bring back the original open splendor of this log home, putting up some doors that never shut properly after our recent earthquake, requiring more home improvements, endless home improvements, ceaseless soul-sapping home improvements -- we went from four bedrooms, down to one. Yeah, hard to imagine, but there it is. From four teeny tiny bedrooms to one qualifying bedroom. Although clever on my part, should we ever want to refinance the house to, say, pay for limb reattachment surgery for me, or something similar, we would not be as successful. Apparently Pennsylvania has this ridiculous law that for a room to “qualify” as a bedroom, it must have both a closet (and not just a designer sheet thrown over a coat rack, but a real wooden thing nailed to the floor) and, get this, a “method of egress” in an emergency. I mean, in the event of an emergency, I would take the responsibility of getting out of the house first so I could direct the rescue efforts for those inside. The “you stay here, I’ll go get help” method of safety and rescue perfected by the French over decades of practice would work for me. But in the end, our new guest room in the basement lacked this essential "method of egress" and couldn't count as a bedroom. So we had to get a second window.
To complete the dream we interviewed a number of shady window sales people/companies. For those who don’t have any experience in this realm, these bottom feeding, chromosome missing people are the new aluminum siding sales people of the new millennium. Nevertheless (don’t you just love that word? It’s like the shortened version of “I know I’m screwed, but I’ll give it a shot anyway…), we selected a company that was just a tad higher on the evolutionary scale than the others – just above a self-replicating virus. So with pictures of sitting in a cozy room, the hell hounds sitting on our laps, we signed on the bottom line. Our first clue that this may not be so easy was when, after my one and only love finished signing her name, the sales rep looked at us with a toothy grin and thunder clapped in the distance. So with a promise of installation in about 8 weeks, a puff of smoke and flash of lightening, the sales rep disappeared while clutching the signed contract. But I’m no dummy, I got his business card first. The following is a transcript of the interaction I have had with the installation company (henceforth called Dante’s Windows, Inc.).
Week 1 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 2 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 3 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 4 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 5 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 6 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “We’ll call you back”
Week 2 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 3 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 4 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 5 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 6 – post signing – Me: “Are they in yet?” – Them: “We’ll call you back”
- Crickets –
Week 7 - post signing – Me: “You didn’t call me back, are they in yet?” – Them: “We’ll call you back”
- Tumbleweeds –
Week 8 - post signing – Me: “You didn’t call me back, are they in yet?” – Them: “Nope”
Week 9 – post signing – Wednesday 5:30 AM. Them: “We’re heeeerrrreeee!” No notice, no phone calls. Me: – “I’ll reschedule my day.”
Week 9 – post signing – Wednesday 5:30 AM. Them: “We’re heeeerrrreeee!” No notice, no phone calls. Me: – “I’ll reschedule my day.”
Wife abandons me to head toward work, sees window-to-be-installed sitting in garage, notes it looks a bit smaller than she'd expected. She returns, measures space, measures window. Not even close to what we'd ordered.
Week 9 – post signing – Wednesday 7:30 AM. Them “Uh-oh!” Me – “Whimper”
And so it continues…
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Print books going the way of the dinosaurs
I'm starting to accept the idea that print books will become a thing of the past the way parchments or illuminated tombs are now relics. My son is currently in an MFA program for Creative Writing and he despairs that this might be true. He loves books - the feel, the smell, the act of turning a brittle page. But he, too, is beginning to realize that there is a dwindling willingness to pay for such items (not to mention wait for delivery or trudge to a physical store) when they can appear on one's e-reader with no wait and at a greatly reduced cost. I have not read a printed book in years! And even my son has gotten a Kindle and carries his library of thousands of literary works with him wherever he goes. He joked, though that some habits are ingrained and he sometimes reaches toward the upper right corner of his Kindle, prepared to quickly "turn the page" of a particulary engaging chapter. He is retraining himself to leave his thumb on the "next page" button. On an iPad, the act of "page turning" is a little more like a book, so that's a comfort. Regardless, I plan to be on the front end of what I believe will be the growing trend toward electronic books. Admittedly, it's easier for me to get past the desire for a printed copy fo my novel to hold because I've already been in print - as my yet-to-be-published son points out to me frequently. But in the long run, I believe we will learn to rejoice in our publications even when no paper version exists.
Monday, November 7, 2011
This was our first Growing Season on the land
Another installment from my husband:
“With great land comes a boat load of work” Confucius
Ahhhh, the sun is shining. The birds are singing, the grass is growing, the trees and flowers are blooming. I now hate this soul sapping, muscle sucking, bloody place. We first we saw this new land it was like Christopher Columbus finding the new world. Back then, it was fall, the sky was perfect, a light crispness was in the air and the homestead was beautiful. There were charming little critters playfully scampering all around. We were sold. Who could pass up this Shangri-La? It was our dream come true. Sure the winter was a little snowy, but I like to shovel the snow and next year promised a new snow blower under the Christmas tree. And now, with all of my new experiences, I could probably start the thing and even use it.
But now winter is gone. That beautiful snowy back yard has turned into a lawn the size of many mid-sized foreign countries. That quaint little stream cutting through the back yard has become an evil twin to the overflowing Mississippi river, but without the help from the Army Corps of Engineers. Those cute little plants we so admired were mob fronts for weeds, every type of weed known in the universe. The kind that brand the skin and tech maddeningly. The type of weeds that when you go on to the internet and ask about weed removal the responses are all filled with fear, despair and wistful thoughts of napalm. The kinds of weeds where people answer your question with, “I don’t know, but when you do find out, let me know” kinds of questions.
So now we have a few chores that need to be done – on 6 ACRES! But we have chosen our lot in life and continue forth knowing that we will never have a day for the rest of our lives where there isn't "something” that needs to be done. On the bright side, we now have an inventory of tools, motorized equipment, electric gizmos, pneumatic thingys, and gardening machines that is worth more than my car. When my time comes, I damn well better be the winner in the “He who has the most tools (etc.) when he dies – wins” category. Case in point, we own an auger. Do you even know what that is?
But all of this is a set up for the theme of this section of our continuing saga. Remember the cute little critters that were scampering around? I have confirmed and been approved by the House and Senate to declare war. Not just any war, we are talking the all out, land scorching, high explosive, take no prisoners type of war that will be read about in future history books, the next version of Sun Tzu’s Art of War (Kindle Version – iPad version coming soon), and to be taught at the Army War College in Carlisle Pennsylvania.
It started last fall when I came across a recently deceased cute little chipmunk in our garden. The same garden that is now the showcase for multiple varieties of genetically enhanced fast growing/spreading weeds. I felt so bad for this little guy. I scooped him up and carried his poor little dead body to the back of our property (about seven miles through mowable lawn that grows 3 inches if you look at it sideways) for a ceremony and burial.
Thereafter, my estimation is that the little dead guy had quite the family, no wait, quite the extended family, no wait – did this bastard ever stop reproducing? I mean I’m now sure I know what killed him – exhaustion (and all those damn kids no doubt). Maybe some of his extended-extended family came in from out of town to pay their respects to this little blight. And they liked our place so much, they relocated to our porch. If I could collect rent money, we would all never have to work again – ever. They cretainly work, so they must have the money for rent. They are miners, they are wire snippers, and they work 24 hours a day. We have holes everywhere. The tree stump near the road must be their holiday retreat – and business is booming. When I come home there are usually two or three actually sitting on top of the stump WAVING at me while I pull in the driveway. Sure they are cute, but everyone knows that too much of a good thing is very bad. Reports are that some of the damage they can do would be on par with termite damage.
So I do what every homeowner does, I go onto the web and look for a solution. After all – the web knows all. So I start Google up and type in Chipmunk – that’s it. There is a Wikipedia page detailing the historical and biological data about our furry friends. The other 14,756,002 entries (found in .06 seconds according to Google) were about eliminating these little scamps. So maybe I’m not alone here. So out of all those 14,756,002 pages (found in .06 seconds), almost ALL of them were people saying, “I don’t know how to get rid of them, but if you find out…”.
So there are some suggestions that may or may not work. I start to get my arsenal together. I’ll wait until the time is right to strike. But then the dog barked, furiously snarling toward the door. For a microscopic dog, our chihuahua has an impressive bark. I opened the door for her. The 4 pounds of unleashed terror bounds out ... and freezes two feet from the threshold. She then looks at me with those, “well, aren’t you coming? I’m not doing this alone” eyes and I decide to follow her out. Once we are both on the porch, she darts to the walkway between the porch and garage and stops, ready to strike without restraint. No warning, just 4 pounds of furry death. All the target will see it teeth... and ears. I would not want to be on the receiving end of that. She might break my skin, or give me a nasty scratch.
She scans the perimeter. While her keen dog senses are attempting to zero in on the trouble, right behind her a chipmunk hops up on the walk way. RIGHT BEHIND HER. Not down the road, not peering through a floor board, RIGHT BEHIND HER. The little overfed chipmunk terrorist is eyeballing at the tail of my guard dog. What’s my guard dog doing? She is menacingly staring down a weed. If looks could kill, that weed would be dead, but weeds never die, do they? Meanwhile, I see that tiny chipmunk gang leader shrug it’s tiny little shoulders and go back to its den of evil under my porch. The dog has completely won the stare down with the plant, none the wiser that evil had come so close to smacking her on the butt.
Do you see my dilemma? The chipmunks are trying to take over! This weekend starts the Offensive. Tomorrow my long range air rifle, night vision scope, extra ammo, samurai sword (for close in combat), black night clothing-of-death, and claymore mines (note: on the top of the mine there are the words “point this end towards enemy” etched into the metal. I must remember to heed those instructions.
Once the gear gets here from Amazon, it's on!
“With great land comes a boat load of work” Confucius
Ahhhh, the sun is shining. The birds are singing, the grass is growing, the trees and flowers are blooming. I now hate this soul sapping, muscle sucking, bloody place. We first we saw this new land it was like Christopher Columbus finding the new world. Back then, it was fall, the sky was perfect, a light crispness was in the air and the homestead was beautiful. There were charming little critters playfully scampering all around. We were sold. Who could pass up this Shangri-La? It was our dream come true. Sure the winter was a little snowy, but I like to shovel the snow and next year promised a new snow blower under the Christmas tree. And now, with all of my new experiences, I could probably start the thing and even use it.
But now winter is gone. That beautiful snowy back yard has turned into a lawn the size of many mid-sized foreign countries. That quaint little stream cutting through the back yard has become an evil twin to the overflowing Mississippi river, but without the help from the Army Corps of Engineers. Those cute little plants we so admired were mob fronts for weeds, every type of weed known in the universe. The kind that brand the skin and tech maddeningly. The type of weeds that when you go on to the internet and ask about weed removal the responses are all filled with fear, despair and wistful thoughts of napalm. The kinds of weeds where people answer your question with, “I don’t know, but when you do find out, let me know” kinds of questions.
So now we have a few chores that need to be done – on 6 ACRES! But we have chosen our lot in life and continue forth knowing that we will never have a day for the rest of our lives where there isn't "something” that needs to be done. On the bright side, we now have an inventory of tools, motorized equipment, electric gizmos, pneumatic thingys, and gardening machines that is worth more than my car. When my time comes, I damn well better be the winner in the “He who has the most tools (etc.) when he dies – wins” category. Case in point, we own an auger. Do you even know what that is?
But all of this is a set up for the theme of this section of our continuing saga. Remember the cute little critters that were scampering around? I have confirmed and been approved by the House and Senate to declare war. Not just any war, we are talking the all out, land scorching, high explosive, take no prisoners type of war that will be read about in future history books, the next version of Sun Tzu’s Art of War (Kindle Version – iPad version coming soon), and to be taught at the Army War College in Carlisle Pennsylvania.
It started last fall when I came across a recently deceased cute little chipmunk in our garden. The same garden that is now the showcase for multiple varieties of genetically enhanced fast growing/spreading weeds. I felt so bad for this little guy. I scooped him up and carried his poor little dead body to the back of our property (about seven miles through mowable lawn that grows 3 inches if you look at it sideways) for a ceremony and burial.
Thereafter, my estimation is that the little dead guy had quite the family, no wait, quite the extended family, no wait – did this bastard ever stop reproducing? I mean I’m now sure I know what killed him – exhaustion (and all those damn kids no doubt). Maybe some of his extended-extended family came in from out of town to pay their respects to this little blight. And they liked our place so much, they relocated to our porch. If I could collect rent money, we would all never have to work again – ever. They cretainly work, so they must have the money for rent. They are miners, they are wire snippers, and they work 24 hours a day. We have holes everywhere. The tree stump near the road must be their holiday retreat – and business is booming. When I come home there are usually two or three actually sitting on top of the stump WAVING at me while I pull in the driveway. Sure they are cute, but everyone knows that too much of a good thing is very bad. Reports are that some of the damage they can do would be on par with termite damage.
So I do what every homeowner does, I go onto the web and look for a solution. After all – the web knows all. So I start Google up and type in Chipmunk – that’s it. There is a Wikipedia page detailing the historical and biological data about our furry friends. The other 14,756,002 entries (found in .06 seconds according to Google) were about eliminating these little scamps. So maybe I’m not alone here. So out of all those 14,756,002 pages (found in .06 seconds), almost ALL of them were people saying, “I don’t know how to get rid of them, but if you find out…”.
So there are some suggestions that may or may not work. I start to get my arsenal together. I’ll wait until the time is right to strike. But then the dog barked, furiously snarling toward the door. For a microscopic dog, our chihuahua has an impressive bark. I opened the door for her. The 4 pounds of unleashed terror bounds out ... and freezes two feet from the threshold. She then looks at me with those, “well, aren’t you coming? I’m not doing this alone” eyes and I decide to follow her out. Once we are both on the porch, she darts to the walkway between the porch and garage and stops, ready to strike without restraint. No warning, just 4 pounds of furry death. All the target will see it teeth... and ears. I would not want to be on the receiving end of that. She might break my skin, or give me a nasty scratch.
She scans the perimeter. While her keen dog senses are attempting to zero in on the trouble, right behind her a chipmunk hops up on the walk way. RIGHT BEHIND HER. Not down the road, not peering through a floor board, RIGHT BEHIND HER. The little overfed chipmunk terrorist is eyeballing at the tail of my guard dog. What’s my guard dog doing? She is menacingly staring down a weed. If looks could kill, that weed would be dead, but weeds never die, do they? Meanwhile, I see that tiny chipmunk gang leader shrug it’s tiny little shoulders and go back to its den of evil under my porch. The dog has completely won the stare down with the plant, none the wiser that evil had come so close to smacking her on the butt.
Do you see my dilemma? The chipmunks are trying to take over! This weekend starts the Offensive. Tomorrow my long range air rifle, night vision scope, extra ammo, samurai sword (for close in combat), black night clothing-of-death, and claymore mines (note: on the top of the mine there are the words “point this end towards enemy” etched into the metal. I must remember to heed those instructions.
Once the gear gets here from Amazon, it's on!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Book piracy?
I've been reading a lot about book piracy. Is it the death of writers (or at least writers who need to be paid)? Or do books from torrent help sales, as people like Neil Gaiman claim?
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